1 Gidouille, 130 E.P. (Jun. 15, 2003) - 4:11 p.m.

Self-loathing reloaded

Edited 5:27 p.m. to separate the self-loathing from the worthwhile stuff.

If I hadn't wanted my opinions made public, I would have posted them on MTV's message board. No-one ever reads that.
— Mike Yamiolkoski, quoted at the Church of Indifference

I have this nasty habit of opening my mouth.

More specifically, I have this nasty habit of saying the first thing that comes to my mind. Except when that would be the right thing to say.

Even more specifically, I have the same bad habit as a lot of people. I'm prone to assume that something can only happen for one reason at a time, that a person can only have one reason at a time (or indeed ever) for wanting X and not wanting Y.

And it's part of the human condition that whatever you hear first is what you remember, unless the person who told it you spends a lot of time specifically denying it. Merely explaining extenuating circumstances, other aspects of your opinion, etc. doesn't count.

I am not allowed to say the second, third, fourth, etc. things that come to my mind until I have apologized for the first, nor am I allowed to apologize for my first thoughts until I have articulated the second, third, fourth, etc. Similarly, I will not be capable of holding down a job (other than "underpaid caretaker to my parents") until I get over my fear of other people, and I will not be capable of getting over my fear of other people until I have been holding down a job for a while. In other words, my life is defined by vicious circles, or rather is circumscribed by them.

And, I say again, all this is based on a reaction from someone who already knows me and is tolerant of my faults (she even does a convincing job of acting as if it were possible, under the current laws of physics, for someone to like me). If I started being myself in front of strangers, they'd obviously skin me alive.

-30-

last time, on The Slack Shack - our next inciting exstallment